you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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