he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
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i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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