My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
i believe in u and ur pee
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
