He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
