I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
