It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
