Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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