I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
