Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
