it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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