got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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