So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
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