yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
