Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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