Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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