dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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