your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
it was like having sex with a tree stump
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
