why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
