You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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