just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
