Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
