Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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