he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
