Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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