literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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