So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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