he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
