Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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