i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
