Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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