Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
