The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
