I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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