It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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