How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
