Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
