Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
