I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
