remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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