Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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