I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
