i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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