I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
