Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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