I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Randomize
