I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
