ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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