I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
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