oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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