how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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