I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
