Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
