I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
we should paint friendship bongs
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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