There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
