My liver just broke up with me...
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
